The Guilt

So as you already know, the phone calls never stopped. I mean I was this name and that name. Now at this time, I was still trying to stay cool. As hard as it was. I mean I had to get away, right? All the abuse physically and mentally. I mean I believed I did the right thing. Well, at least somewhat. I was still wavering in my mind if I made the best decision for my son. I mean it was just me and him now. I had to do this all on my own for real. Man, reality sat in real quick. You know what I mean? I would call my son’s father and ask him for certain things for our son. You think he help? Lol. Absolutely not! He kept his word by not doing anything. So I had to come to grips with the fact that I was a single parent now. I never thought I would be here. I thank God that I was around church people that wasn’t just members of the church; instead we was like a family. I really needed that at this time. So even though I was dealing with all of the craziness that was around me, I was still in the Word building my spirit man up. I remember every time things would look like it was going good all hell would break loose. Man, it looked as if I could never get a break – the phone calls, the name calling, and the grandma calling talking crazy to me. I mean didn’t even understand her reasoning. But she was doing the same thing he was doing. It got so bad that I wouldn’t even answer my phone anymore. I would have so many back to back voicemails of my son’s father cussing me and then calming down and back to cussing me out. It just had got ridiculously out of hand. He would get mad at me because I wouldn’t bring my son to him all the time. I mean he could have made a way to see hisson just like I made a way to take our son to him. So you already know that all of that was my fault, right? lol. My son use to know when I was talking to his dad because of the arguments. That really bothered me. I had to change what I was doing. So I stopped arguing. I know. Yeah, it was just that simple. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely would try my patience. But I had to stay strong for my son. No, it was not easy at all. I had slipped back a few times. But hey, I’m not perfect. God was still working on me. So I started to let my son go see his dad and his grandma. I mean I knew I couldn’t keep him away forever. Neither was I trying to. I wanted him to have a relationship with his other family. Things seemed to be going alright….until…….

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The Breakup

As we were driving from my job to the hotel, all I kept thinking about was how this was really it. I’m finally about to leave my son’s father. My mind was going back and forth- should I Ieave or should I stay? I know you’re thinking “Girl, just leave. He is abusive.” Yeah, easier said than done. But look, I had a child with this man. Maybe we can work it out. Maybe he will change. So when we reached the hotel, I got out of the car and left my son in the car. I went into the hotel room. Now I was expecting to see another woman there. I mean that’s what he said, right? Well there was definitely no other woman in the room. But I was still determined and ready to end this crazy relationship. I spoke to him as he was cleaning up the room. I just started to grab me and my son’s clothes. He stopped what he was doing and asked me what was I doing and where was I going. I told him that this relationship was over and that it was time to move on. I can’t take anymore of this abuse. Yes, of course, I was called all those ungodly names. He told me that he’s not going to do anything for my son if I leave. How I can let the church take care of me and my son. He also said, “I’m going to show you how hard it is to be a single parent cause I’m not doing nothing for you or our son. I still kept on packing me and my son’s things. Once I was done with everything I looked at him and said, “Okay, we are going to better off without you. Goodbye and have a great life. Now go and get that other woman you was going to have come over.” Then I walked right out the door and got into the car and drove off. Now as we were driving off I had a thousand things going on in my head. I was still trying to be calm and cool. I was trying to suck it up and hide all my hurt and pain. I couldn’t let my son or even the lady from church see me crying . Not Alicia. I’m too strong to cry or be hurt. I have to take it, hold it in and move on. So we get to the couple’s house. Now I’m scared and very nervous. I don’t know these people like that. What am I thinking putting me and my son in a situation like this? I have been living on my own since I was seventeen. I mean I left a house that was paid for up to a year to come to a state where I don’t know anyone. No family. No friends. Absolutely nobody except these people from my church. “Wow,” I’m thinking, “Really? What are you doing? So that night once I got situated into the house and my son went to sleep, I remember crying myself to sleep. I was really scared. I knew this was the best decision for me, but I really didn’t see how this was the best decision. After I cried for a couple of nights, I was able to get myself back together and picked myself up from the low place I was in. It’s never easy to walk away from someone you love and care about, but enough is enough. You can walk away. So I started getting in my word and listening to the cds that was from the services at church. You know I was so worried that my son would ask me what happened or why daddy not here. But during my deliverance time freeing myself from his dad, he never asked. Not even one time. Even though I was in the word, I kinda knew that God was going to see me through even when I didn’t understand how. So God gave me this scripture: Now [in Haran] the Lord had said to Abram, “Go away from your country, And from your relatives And from your father’s house, To the land which I will show you; And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you [abundantly], And make your name great (exalted, distinguished); And you shall be a blessing [a source of great good to others];GENESIS 12:1‭-‬2 .

I put my name where Abram’s name was. When I felt down or lonely I would refer to that scripture. It really helped me a lot. Some days were really hard and some days were just okay, but I made it through. I was still juggling school, my son, and living with people from my church. I put all my frustration into my school. I was so determined to finish school. I wanted to show my son that it didn’t matter where you were in life you can still go to school and do good. I was on the dean and the president’s list a couple times during school. School was really like my escape goat. When I was at school I didn’t have to worry or think about nothing but school. The couple that I stayed with was really a major part of me getting close with God. They would help watch my son while I went to school and they genuinely wanted to do it. They didn’t want nothing in return. After a few weeks of being there, my son’s father started calling all the time telling me to come back. How he was sorry and wanted me back. He didn’t mean none of the stuff he said to me……

Starting My Walk

You know I remember how hard it was going from hotel to hotel not really knowing what was going to happen next. But the one thing I did know was that I had to act as if nothing was going on in front of my family, my son, other church members, and friends at school. I know what you’re thinking, “How in the world was she able to keep a smile onher face with her head held high and always staying positive?” All I can say is that God had his hand on me even when I didn’t understand that he did. I kept looking for a job, but no luck there. One day a lady from church came up to me asking me have I ever worked with kids before. I told her no I haven’t. So she told me about a job opportunity at a daycare. I went and applied for the job of course. And low and behold, I got the job. I was so excited! It was a full-time job and my son was able to go to daycare for little to no money. I back in the game making money now. I was working, going to church, and going to school. Life seemed to be looking up for me. One day I’m at the hotel with my boyfriend, of course we smoking, and I was still talking about the word of God. Lol. Then an argument started and, of course, he was ready to fight me for whatever reason. This time I called my pastor and told him what was going on and how I think it’s really time for me to leave him now. My pastor says” okay, no problem, just give me two days to talk to the couple before we do anything.”I had to keep myself together for two days until I got an answer. So one day, me and my son got up and went to work. While I was at work enjoying my time there, I got a phone call from my boyfriend telling me he is about to have another women at our hotel. I assumed he wanted a reaction from me, but he didn’t get it. I politely said “okay, that’s fine and another woman can have you.” Then I hung up the phone. I called the pastor and he said everything was a go with the move. He asked was I ready and I said yes of course. A lady from church came to pick me up from work that day and we went back to my hotel room……

The Change

I knew that once I got prayed for something had to be different in my life. I just didn’t really understand how or when. Before the two evangelist left my apartment, they invited me to church. I said yes but I needed a ride because I didn’t have a car at the time. Of course, they said “No problem. We will pick you up.” They left and I went right back to the bedroom to continue what I was doing (smoking) lol. I know what you’re thinking, “girl, you just got prayed for.” So I asked my boyfriend was he going to come to church with me. I’m sure you already know what his answer was, right of course….. it was a NO. Sunday came. I’m up and getting ready for church. One of the ladies from the church came to pick me and my son up. I was really nervous about this church I was going to. But as I walked through the doors of this church everybody was so friendly as if they alreadyknew me and my son. The pastors were so down to earth. They was very transparent…… that really made me feel comfortable. I remember what the pastor was preaching as if it was yesterday. He was preaching about how God is on the inside of us and how canwe make God do the things that we do like the smoking weed, the drinking, and getting drunk. So I started thinking about my life and how the pastor was right. How could I be making God smoke and drink knowing that is against God’s word? After service, if you were a first time guest you would go up and meet the pastors (him and his wife). I remember telling them about how I needed to get out of this relationship I was in because of the abuse. They told me. “Okay. We will start working on somewhere for you to go. Give us a little time and we will work it out.” I told them how I wanted to stop drinking and smoking but due to all the heaviness I had going on at the time, it was very hard for me to do so. The pastors told me to keep coming to church and start asking God to take the taste out of my mouth.
We left church. They took me and my son home. We got home and, of course, all hell broke loose. My boyfriend was upset about something. Like always, he would take his anger out on me. If he thought I was going to leave him or was doing better than him then he would get angry. Anyway, I would go and try to find something to do to not argue with him. I had just came from church and I was feeling good about what I just heard at church. So of course with all the stress, I went and started smoking again. Of course, you can’t change overnight. But I noticed the more I went to church and the more I started confessing God take the taste out of my mouth, the more I started to notice that even though I would go to church and continue to smoke, I would talk about the word of God at home. I know you probably thinking how in the world could you do that. That was my walk and I had to walk it out. So we ended up losing our apartment. Back to the hotels we go… Now I’m still in school, going to church, in an abusive relationship, taking care of a three year old, and I ended up losing my job. I remember thinking “God, how am I going to make it out here like this?” I talked to my pastor. He said everything is going to be okay. I have to trust God. I had no Idea really how to do that. All I knew was I’m in this bad situation and I didn’t want to depend on my boyfriend. Being in that hotel made it harder to deal with everything. We moving from hotel to hotel again. Never did I contact my family about anything that was going on. I wanted to do this on my own. I remember crying myself to sleep it was so bad. But even in that I kept going not really understanding what was going on.

The Move Part 2

Even in the knowing something had to change I was ready to give up and quit. In my mind I’m wondering what in the world was I doing. How was I going to survive like this. Mind you I never been away from my family, the homesickness was real okay.. Oh not to mention I was in an abusive relationship. I know your asking what were you thinking coming to Atlanta with someone who is abusing you. I asked myself that question also. I just know that it was Gods plan in getting me here to Atlanta. Every time I would talk about going back everybody would tell me NO don”t come back. You can make it. So with that being said I had to put my big girl pants on. I got up the next morning with a whole new attitude. I went to apply for school, and yes your thinking how are you going to be able to do that with all the stuff you got going on… I did not know either, all I knew was that something had to change. We ended up getting an apartment, everything seemed as if everything was coming together with this change and all the other things I had been dealing with during this time period. I was definitely not living the life as a “Christian” that’s for sure. Smoking, drinking whatever it took to keep my mind off of the stuff going on around me. I got excepted in school. I started putting all my feelings and anger into my school work. I still was able to keep my grades up, take care of my son, and try to take care of the household.

I started to look for a church home. Going from church to church. All I knew was this can’t be the way God wanted me to live. God had to have a different plan for my life.. Didn’t find any church that I really like. The more I worked hard in school the abusive my sons father got. One afternoon two strangers came and knocked on our door. Of course I sent my son’s father to the door, I was in the bedroom (smoking). My sons father comes into the room saying there is two people at the door and they want to know if you want to rededicate your life to Christ. I said I didn’t want to at this time. I told my sons father to get rid of them. He goes and tell them no we not interested. He came and said they not leaving until they pray for me. I got up irritated because who are these people and why wouldn’t they leave my house. I got up to go get prayed for and to rededicate my life to God. Not realizing my change began that day…..

The Move

Let me start by telling you a little bit about my background. I came here to Atlanta about fifteen years ago from Kalamazoo Michigan. Now mind you i have no family in Atlanta. All my family was in Michigan. I decided to up and leave. It was me my son and his dad. Now we left a nice house paid for up to a year in rent. When we got here we stayed with my sons grandmother with the intentions to stay until we got on our feet . We ended up moving into a hotel. We only came to Atlanta with three hundred dollars to our name. I was walking out on faith and didnt even realize what I was doing.  Of course you know the three hundred didnt last very long. We went from hotel to hotel. Not really having allot of food to eat. All this going on with a three year old child. I was told i would get a job as soon as i got here, that was not the case. I continued to look for a job. Finally I got a job at sonic. Still money was still tight. I new then something had to change…..

 

First blog post

Hello world, My name is Alicia Eiland and I am starting this blog to help single mothers that have found themselves in tight situations. Not really knowing how you going to make it. Moving from a different state and trying to survive. My goal is to share my story so someone can be blessed by it. To encourage women out here so they will know that they can make it even when everything looks like its against you.